Evil Hamster vs. Zen Buddhism

I was sitting here one day thinking that we should be more like my hamster, we’ll call her “Chipmonk*,” and clear our minds with endless hours of running on some giant plastic wheel…wondering where she goes, and if maybe this is part of her Zen practice. Upon further research, I realized that this would be impossible for my hamster, as she is inherently evil.

Ethical Precept 1: I will be mindful and reverential with all life, I will not be violent nor will I kill.

Okay, she already violated this one at the mere age of one by murdering her own sister; we’ll call her “Scarface.”. This hardly follows the first principal of Zen Buddhism. We knew of her sinister ways, but chose to ignore them, thinking that she would outgrow the tendency to hover from the top of the cage, flying down onto her sister in an attempt to take her off guard and engage in some “friendly” sparring.

Ethical Precept 2: I will respect the property of others, I will not steal.

I have seen her taking food right from under Scarface while she was sleeping quietly in her “Space Ball of Fluff.” Chipmonk has even been known to STEAL fluff and food from the Space Ball, moving it over to her own favorite napping spot, the Sky Pod.

One time, Chipmonk dragged the hood of my son’s sweatshirt into her cage and tore it to shreds, knowing full well that it did not belong to her.

Ethical Precept 3: I will be conscious and loving in my relationships, I will not give way to lust.

I don’t think that shoving Scarface out of the wheel, out of her bowl, or forcing her backwards down a two foot series of tubes fosters a loving relationship.

Also, she once lusted after Scarface’s yogurt drop because she was a pig and didn’t save hers like Scarface did.

I also suspect that she lusted after Scarface’s superior wheel running skills and her purple ball.

Ethical Precept 4: I will honor honesty and truth, I will not deceive.

Does waiting around the corner for your sister to come popping out of the tube so you can jump on her head and bite her constitute deception?

Ethical Precept 5: I will exercise proper care of my body and mind, I will not be gluttonous.

Okay, she may run 7 miles a day, but the amount of food she stuffs in her mouth borders on gross. I’ve seen her get stuck in her tube because she shoved a few two many apple crisps in her cheeks. Also, I hardly think that eating where you sleep and poop constitutes exercising proper care of the body.

The real question is…Do all hamsters exhibit these evil traits, or is there a hamster out there who demonstrates a peaceful coexistence in relation to others?

*”Chipmonk” is a deliberate misspelling; she’s actually a libertine Gnostic.